I read this on the wall of my therapist's office in November

What we call the beginning is often the end
And to make an end is to make a beginning.
The end is where we start from.


We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
Through the unknown, remembered gate
When the last of earth left to discover
Is that which was the beginning;
At the source of the longest river
The voice of the hidden waterfall
And the children in the apple-tree
Not known because not looked for 
But heard, half heard, in the stillness
Between the two waves of the sea.
Quick now, here, now, always—
A condition of complete simplicity
(costing not less than everything)

T.S. Eliot

Meditation #17 By John Donne From Devotions upon Emergent Occasions (1623), XVII

[My brother, who always skips my long poem / blog posts, actually read this to me aloud yesterday. :) ]

Nunc Lento Sonitu Dicunt, Morieris (Now this bell, tolling softly for another, says to me, Thou must die.)

Perchance, he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill, as that he knows not it tolls for him; and perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that. The church is catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does belongs to all. When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that body which is my head too, and ingrafted into that body whereof I am a member. And when she buries a man, that action concerns me: all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God's hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again for that library where every book shall lie open to one another. As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come, so this bell calls us all; but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness.

There was a contention as far as a suit (in which both piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled), which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined, that they should ring first that rose earliest. If we understand aright the dignity of this bell that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his, whose indeed it is.

The bell doth toll for him that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute that this occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God. Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises? but who takes off his eye from a comet when that breaks out? Who bends not his ear to any bell which upon any occasion rings? but who can remove it from that bell which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Neither can we call this a begging of misery, or a borrowing of misery, as though we were not miserable enough of ourselves, but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbours. Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did, for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it. No man hath affliction enough that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction. If a man carry treasure in bullion, or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current money, his treasure will not defray him as he travels. Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it. Another man may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels, as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him; but this bell, that tells me of his affliction, digs out and applies that gold to me: if by this consideration of another's danger I take mine own into contemplation, and so secure myself, by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.

Quote of the Day

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.


Peter Ustinov

Carmel-by-the-Sea and San Francisco

Lupines on the beach

Yesterday I went with my friend Jess to Carmel and the 17-Mile Drive. It is one of my favorite places to visit and the weather was perfect (high 60s, sunny). My friend Jess is moving soon to Idaho, so it was just great to spend time just the two of us. You can see her post on the day here.

Bruce and I spent my birthday in Monterey and Carmel last year and I used to go often with my parents when I was in high school and during summers home from college. I have great memories of springs and summers down there, but one thing I don't remember seeing before was lupines--and they were everywhere!

Cottage of Sweets in downtown Carmel

We grabbed lunch at Pebble Beach, bought some candy at Cottage of Sweets and walked on the beach in downtown Carmel.

Later in the evening I drove up to San Francisco where a very dear friend from high school treated me to dinner in the Marina. We ate at Bistro Aix where I got a pork chop with risotto and english peas - oh my, it was delicious! We talked for over 3 hours :) It's amazing to see where life has taken us in the 15 years that have passed since we first met in chemistry class in 1998. It's both scary and exciting to imagine what more will pass in the next 15 years...

I'm grateful for living in the beautiful bay area and for wonderful friends that I have met here.

Quote of the Day

A baby is God's opinion that life should go on.
Carl Sandburg

What we did (last week)

• I got a fever on Monday & tonsillitis on Tuesday
• I finished my last 2 days of full-time work on those same days :)
• We both flew to Portland Wednesday morning
• 5 hours after our descent my right ear finally popped
• We visited my in-laws--had a fantastic time with them, as usual!
• Bruce worked from the secret Portland Google Office
• Thursday I took the bus into downtown Portland and blissed out at Powell's, Anthropologie, Nordstrom Rack J. Crew, and a new find: Joe's Burgers! Their PB cup milkshake was amazing and the service staff made my day! Also, how much do I love that Oregon has no (0) sales tax!? So much.
• (Also on Thursday) we met a very shy chocolate lab puppy named Truffles!
• Friday Bruce took me to an urgent care clinic -- I got a Z-Pack (antibiotics) and started feeling better almost immediately
• Saturday we went out to breakfast with my brother-in-law David and his wife Amanda before going to my sister-in-law Kristy's wedding (some pics on Amanda's blog here) at the Portland temple. The ceremony was simple and tender and we are so excited that Kristy and Josh are married
• The sun came out on Saturday for the wedding -- it was beautiful! My In-Laws had planted beautiful spring flowers all around their home and the flowers done by my sister-in-law Shanna were the best I've ever seen at a wedding. Kristy's bouquet was especially beautiful. Did I mention I loved the flowers?
• Sunday I ate a gazillion orange rolls and then we flew home.

On my last day of full-time employment

Life is like an onion. You peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.

Carl Sandburg

Stress Buster #12

Eliminate (or restrict) the amount of caffeine in your diet.

A few years ago I found out that I have a physical condition that is aggravated and triggered by caffeine. Whereas many principles of my diet are up to me to see how I react / feel, the doctor was adamant about caffeine (and alcohol, incidentally). I am very grateful for revelation and a health code that has minimized the impacts of the condition and which has made it easy to follow my doctor's direction.


Elder Marion D. Hanks:

"The Word of Wisdom teaches us a great principle and makes a promise. The principle is that everything good God has provided for us we should use with thanksgiving and good judgment, with prudence and not to excess. Everything that is not good for us we should leave alone. The promise is that if we obey this principle we will be better off in every way: in health, in knowledge and wisdom, and in wonderful spiritual blessings.

"We know now through evidence that cannot be questioned, that alcohol and tobacco and caffeine are not good for the body. We know that they are destructive and harmful. We know much about the importance of the proper food to eat and about moderation in diet. These facts were not available to Joseph Smith except through revelation received from our Heavenly Father. That is how he received them, and we need to remember that, when we thank the Lord for wonderful blessings we have received through prophets from God."

Update

• Starting my last full week of work. I quit my job and my last day is Tuesday, April 3rd. I'll be working part-time (maybe?) for a few months before transitioning to my career as a full-time housewife.
• (nope, not pregnant)
• Going to Portland next week for Bruce's sister's wedding (!!!)
• Going to girls' camp in June. I'll be a 2nd Year Certification Leader.
• Campaigning to get Bruce to come for two days -- it's not working so far.
• My sweet peas are just starting to pop up out of the soil. So exciting!

It's going to be a busy / long week!

Quote of the Day

There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud.

Carl Sandburg

Stress Buster #11

Allow 15 minutes of extra time to get to appointments.

Doctrine & Covenants 38:30: If ye are prepared ye shall not fear.

Quote of the Day

"Just pray for a tough hide and a tender heart."
Ruth Graham

Dr. Stu and Match Day

Today is Match Day and we finally found out where my brother Stu will be doing his medical residency. Can you believe my baby brother is finishing medical school??? This is the boy who would sleep during our high school Spanish class. Yes, of course you should trust him with a scalpel.

Actually, Stuart came back from his mission with quite an internal drive for academics and specifically medicine. I'm so proud of his determination, hard work, and integrity. I know he'll be a wonderful doctor!

AND I am so excited that he and his wife Barb will be coming to the Bay Area! Stuart matched with Kaiser in San Francisco, which is awesome because now all of my four siblings will be in the Bay Area!!! San Francisco is perfect for them, too, because Barb's sister Suz lives in Berkeley.

In other great news: my former roommate Rejia got matched with a residency in San Jose, which means she can live with her husband permanently instead of doing the commuter marriage between Rochester, NY and Palo Alto, CA and my cousin matched with UCLA -- well within driving distance of his family in Arizona.

We couldn't be happier!

p.s.

I'm pretty sure one of my cyclamen is dead. Trying to decide if I should replace it with something else (geraniums?) or just get another. The other three cyclamen are fine, so I think it just was less hardy.

Also, I got raw goats milk per my cousin's recommendation and it tastes just like regular milk and is way easier on my tummy (not so much on the wallet...). Maybe someday I can have a goat and Bruce can milk it for me. (I kid*! I would have our future children milk it, of course. Builds character and children love goats, right?)

*no pun intended, but kind of hilarious, all the same, yes?

Spring

A month or so ago Bruce mounted two hanging containers on our porch and I put two red cyclamen plants in each one of them.

Cyclamen

On Saturday, I bought some primroses and ranunculus for some of our regular containers.

Ranunculus - ours are red, bright pink, and light pink

I bought too many primroses so I added some of those to the cyclamen containers. I'll have to get Bruce to take some pictures soon. I love having spring flowers and just wish we had direct sun so we could grow some vegetables. For now it will have to be flowers and herbs.

Primroses

Stress Buster #9

Plan ahead. Don't let the gas tank get below one-quarter full; keep a
well-stocked "emergency shelf" of home staples; don't wait until you're down to
your last bus token or postage stamp to buy more; etc.

Henry B. Eyring, Spiritual Preparedness: Start Early and Be Steady:
"As my father lay in his bed near death, I asked him if he didn’t think it was a time to repent and pray for forgiveness for any sins that were not yet resolved with God. He probably heard a little hint in my voice that he might fear death and the Judgment. He just chuckled quietly, smiled up at me, and said, 'Oh no, Hal, I’ve been repenting as I went along.'
"Decisions now to exercise faith and be steady in obedience will in time produce great faith and assurance. That is the spiritual preparedness we all will need. And it will qualify us in the moments of crisis to receive the Lord’s promise that 'if ye are prepared ye shall not fear.'
"That will be true when we face the storms of life and the prospect of death. A loving Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son have given us all the help They can to pass the test of life set before us. But we must decide to obey and then do it. We build the faith to pass the tests of obedience over time and through our daily choices. We can decide now to do quickly whatever God asks of us. And we can decide to be steady in the small tests of obedience which build the faith to carry us through the great tests, which will surely come. "

Milk... boo hoo!

So, I am getting confirmation once again that I simply cannot have cereal with milk (in this case 1%) on a daily basis; also I haven't been doing so great with carrageenan in my almond milk and I am not a fan of soy milk, so what do I do when I want to eat Lucky Charms, I ask???

(Also, shouldn't it be the Lucky Charms that makes me sick???? HA!)

Stress Buster #8

Procrastination is stressful. Whatever you want to do tomorrow, do today; whatever you want to do today, do it now.

Quote of the Day

"I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life."
Abraham Lincoln

Stress Buster #7

Be prepared to wait. A paperback can make a wait in a post office line almost pleasant.

Neal A. Maxwell:
Clearly, without patience we will learn less in life. We will see less; we will feel less; we will hear less. Ironically, "rush" and "more" usually mean "less." The pressure of "now," time and time again, go against the grain of the gospel with its eternalism.