First Morning by Joy Harjo

This is the first morning we are without you on earth.

The sun greeted us after a week of rain

In your eastern green and mountain homelands.

Plants are fed, the river restored, and you have been woven

into a path of embracing stars of all colors

Now free of the suffering that shapes us here.

We all learn to let go, like learning to walk

When we first arrive here.

All those you thought you lost now circle you

And you are free of pain and heartbreak.

Don’t look back, keep going.

We will carry your memory here, until we join you

In just a little while, in one blink of star time.

Author Susan Hill on Dickens

I read this passage this week describing Dickens and thought it was perfect. It was in a library book, so I'm saving it here.

I could spend my year of reading from home with Dickens alone — well, almost. In the silly game of which authors to throw overboard from the lifeboat and which one — just one — to save, I would always save Dickens. He is mighty. His flaws are huge but magnificent — and all of a piece with the whole. A perfect, flawless Dickens would somehow be a shrunken, impoverished one. Yes, he is sentimental, yes, he has purple passages, yes, his plots sometimes have dropped stitches, yes, some of his characters are quite tiresome. But his literary imagination was the greatest ever, his world of teeming life is as real as has ever been invented, his conscience, his passion for the underdog, the poor, the cheated, the humiliated are god-like. He created an array of varied, vibrant, living, breathing men and women and children that is breathtaking in its scope. His scenes are painted like those of an Old Master, in vivid colour and richness on huge canvases. His prose is spacious, symphonic, infinitely flexible... He is macabre, grotesque, moralistic, thunderous, funny, ridiculous, heartfelt.  (Susan Hill, Howards End is on the Landing, p. 32-33)

 

The Dog Body of My Soul by Katherine Williams

Some days I feel
like a retriever
racing
back and forth
fetching the tired
old balls
the universe
tosses me.

Some days
I'm on a leash
following
someone else's 
route, 
sensing
I'm supposed
to be grateful.

Some days
I'm waiting
in a darkened
house 
bladder insistent 
not knowing 
when my people
will return.

But some days
I hurl myself
into the sweet
singing surf,
race wildly back
and roll 
in the sand's 
warm welcome.

Goldfinches by Danusha Laméris

Good luck, they say,
to see one,
its face and breast
pure citrus
against the grey sky.

And today,
I am twice blessed
because two such birds
grace the low boughs
of the persimmon,
eating the soft heart
of winter's fruit—

though they will also
feast on thistles 
pulled from the dry flowers 
and so are said
to eat the thorns 
of Christ's crown, 
to lift some small measure 
of his suffering.

Whatever your grief,
however long you've carried it—
may something
come to you,
quick and unexpected,
whisk away
the bristled edge 
in its sharp
and tender beak.

If I Carry My Father by Marjorie Saiser

I hope it is a little more
than color of hair
or the dimple or cheekbones
if he's ever here in the space I inhabit
the room I walk in
the boundaries and peripheries
I hope it's some kindness he believed in
living on in cell or bone
maybe some word or action
will float close to the surface
within my reach
some good will rise when I need it
a hard dense insoluble shard
will show up
and carry on.

Word of the Day

Even though I am now 40 years old, I still am educated on my English pronunciation on a regular basis—at least a few words a year! Here is my latest:

interlocutor

I have read this in 19th century literature usually, and understand, from context, that it is a person speaking a conversation. I assumed the pronunciation was in - ter - lo - cu - tor, but I was listening to an audiobook last night and heard it read (and afterwards confirmed online) as

in - ter - loc - u - tor

loc with a short o sound!

I'm still not going to use it in my conversation, ahem, interlocutions, but it's good to know all the same :)

Listening for Your Name by David Graham

As a father steals into his child's half-lit bedroom
slowly, quietly, standing long and long
counting the breaths before finally slipping

back out, taking care not to wake her,

and as that night-lit child is fully awake the whole

time, with closed eyes, measured breathing,

savoring a delicious blessing she couldn't

name but will remember her whole life,

how often we feel we're being watched over,

or that we're secretly looking in on the ones

we love, even when they are far away, or even as they are lost in the sleep

no one wakes from—what we know

and what we feel can fully coincide, like love

and worry, like taking care in full silence

and secrecy, like darkness and light together.

The Patriarchs — An Elegy by Simon Armitage

The weather in the window this morning

is snow, unseasonal singular flakes,
a slow winter’s final shiver. On such an occasion
to presume to eulogise one man is to pipe up
for a whole generation – that crew whose survival
was always the stuff of minor miracle,
who came ashore in orange-crate coracles,
fought ingenious wars, finagled triumphs at sea
with flaming decoy boats, and side-stepped torpedoes.

Husbands to duty, they unrolled their plans
across billiard tables and vehicle bonnets,
regrouped at breakfast. What their secrets were
was everyone’s guess and nobody’s business.
Great-grandfathers from birth, in time they became
both inner core and outer case
in a family heirloom of nesting dolls.
Like evidence of early man their boot-prints stand
in the hardened earth of rose-beds and borders.

They were sons of a zodiac out of sync
with the solar year, but turned their minds
to the day’s big science and heavy questions.
To study their hands at rest was to picture maps
showing hachured valleys and indigo streams, schemes
of old campaigns and reconnaissance missions.
Last of the great avuncular magicians
they kept their best tricks for the grand finale:
Disproving Immortality and Disappearing Entirely.

The major oaks in the wood start tuning up
and skies to come will deliver their tributes.
But for now, a cold April’s closing moments
parachute slowly home, so by mid-afternoon
snow is recast as seed heads and thistledown.

—Simon Armitage, UK poet laureate, on Prince Philip's passing (April 2021)

2021: Finish What You Start

I don't usually pick themes or even make specific new year's resolutions, but this year I want to make a stronger effort to finish what I start (or acknowledge it's not worth doing and move on). I feel like the queen of unfinished projects and books.. anyone who knows me will not be surprised by this at all.

Actually, shortly before Bruce and I started dating I felt inspired to do this with the relationships in my life. Either see them through or let them go--which led to Bruce entering my life, so clearly this is a good philosophy!

How it's going so far:

- I finally got the rest of my Christmas cards out the door in the first week of February,

- I just shipped some Valentine's packages to my nieces and nephews.

- I have been finishing the dishes every night before I go to bed. There may have been one or two days since the new year started that I haven't, and Bruce and the kids have definitely been the MVPs a few nights. I know this is probably basic adulting, but it's something I've always struggled with so I'm VERY proud of myself!

- I'm trying to prioritize reading books I already have (but haven't read yet) vs. checking out books from the library. I'm still getting some books, but my goal is to read 100 books from my to-read shelf (ahaha now you know what kind of a problem I have!) and then to get rid of them if I don't want them in our family library. I've already gotten rid of a handful of books, though trying to NOT buy books is a lot harder! Maybe I should bargain that I can buy a new one if I get rid of one... 

What's up for the next few weeks:

- Finish packing up Christmas decorations and books (I have a few items lingering around the house that need to be packed & labeled).

- I have been going through my stash of fabric and unfinished sewing projects. My goal is to sort them by project, discard anything I don't have plans for and then work on the projects before I buy anything new!

- My first sewing project to work on: an apron for our daughter. I'll try to post it when I finish!

- We set up our daughter in her own bedroom upstairs but she really wants to share a room with her brothers, so now all three of our kids are in one bedroom. I want to convert her old bedroom into my own study / library until the day she is ready for her own room (we'll see if I decide to give it back!)

 

Things I haven't told you.

1. We have three kids now
2. We moved to Oregon this year
3. We bought a house
4. We bought a minivan
5. We saw Hamilton—An American Musical in San Francisco

We have been in Portland for about 6 months now and it's starting to feel like home. I don't really have any friends yet, but I have joined a book club and living near my in-laws is wonderful.

We just got back from a trip to Arizona to visit family. We didn't get to see very much, but we saw my Grandpa Bradshaw and stayed with my aunt Mary and uncle Russell and that was great. I've lived outside of Arizona longer than I lived there, but it still has a special place in my heart. It was very refreshing to return to the gorgeous Pacific Northwest though after the 97 degree heat (in October!). 

I'm going to be writing more on here more as a journal than anything else. However, if anyone does still read this blog, please raise your hand because I would like to know :)

I've visited 25 states!

In July we took our kids to visit my parents in Indiana and now I have officially been to half of the states in the US!

The other half is going to be a lot harder to arrange, but here are the ones I could reasonably come up with an excuse to visit in the next 5 years:

• Nebraska (I have a cousin in Omaha and it's reasonably close to my parents & brother in the midwest)
• Louisiana (Bruce served his mission there and has never been back)
• Ohio (After reading The Wright Brothers by David McCullough, I really want to go to Dayton! It's not too far from my parents in Indiana)
• Rhode Island (Bruce has a sister in Connecticut, so we could easily check out neighboring states)
• Alaska (Now that we live in Oregon, I feel like this isn't that far. ha!)

Current Events & The Tongue of Angels

I know that ours is not the first time in history when there has been political bickering, polarization, and division, nevertheless none can deny that it has been a very tumultuous time. The advent of social media seems to have exacerbated any and all misunderstandings or disagreements. Most of my friends and family are discreetly silent, but there is a vocal minority that is inflammatory, judgmental, and ruthless. Even these I know are good, decent people. 

“For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, … hath been tamed of mankind:
“But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
“Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
“Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.” - James 3, as quoted by Elder Holland, The Tongue of Angels

On the other hand, there are those who are trying to build bridges of understanding. I don't agree with all of my friends and family, but I love and respect them and want to understand their views and I would like to be like my friends who are trying to build more unity of love, if not politics.

To quote one of my favorite passages of Isaiah, I would like to "build the old waste places [to be a] repairer of the breach, [a] restorer of paths to dwell in." (chapter 58)

Again, from Elder Holland:

Paul put it candidly, but very hopefully. He said to all of us: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but [only] that which is good … [and] edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
“And grieve not the holy Spirit of God. …
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you. …
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4)

Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity, the three great Christian imperatives so desperately needed in the world today. With such words, spoken under the influence of the Spirit, tears can be dried, hearts can be healed, lives can be elevated, hope can return, confidence can prevail.

 

Reprise

This poor blog has been quite neglected—Mostly since Bruce and I got married, but especially since we have had children.

(It's in good company with my email inbox, my health, my RSS reader, and many, many other habits and projects.)

This past weekend Bruce and I were preparing talks for our ward—the first time we've been invited to speak since we were newlyweds, and I found myself trying to find a favorite quote here on the blog and it was like a reunion with an old friend—full of warmth, reflections on the past and present, and resolutions for the future.

One of those resolutions is to update here more frequently. Also, I'm on instagram if you care to find me and see pictures of the kids. I probably won't put much of that on here still.

#22: Cook a turkey for Thanksgiving

We hosted Thanksgiving at our apartment this year. That meant: finally cooking a turkey on my own!

Bruce and I did a lot of research and ultimately decided on a dry brine for the turkey. I ordered a 16 lb fresh turkey. It was nice not having to defrost it and having a faster cook time.

I rubbed the turkey (beneath the skin) with herbed butter and we roasted it in an oven bag. We decided to let it rest for 2-3 hours and it was a tasty bird! We stuffed it (using cheesecloth bags) with my family's traditional stuffing.

Next year I may not do such a salty dry brine, but overall it was not too hard.

We rented propane heaters as well as tables & chairs and had it in our backyard. I'll attach pictures later as I get them.

It was great to check this off the list.

Merry Christmas

Not sure if anyone reads this anymore :)

We had a great Christmas here. I find instagram is the only posting I do these days because the little ones are always underfoot and I hate to spend time on a computer when I can be with them.

Silas loved Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Two and a half is a great age. He loves trains, robots, blueberries, motorcycles, singing (I am a Child of God, Tender Shepherd, Silent Night, Jingle Bells, We Wish You a Merry Christmas are current favorites).

Rosie is one in a week (!!!) I can't believe it. I never even posted about her birth on here, but she is a very dear delight. Fat, soft, fuzzy hair, big smile. We love her so much.

I love having these little guys. I'll try to do more writing in 2016. Having two babies in a row like this was bad for my blogging, but good for my heart :)

Hope the rest of your 2015 is glorious and that 2016 brings greater blessings.

What's going on

• My son Silas turns 11 months old on Monday
• I'm the second counselor in the Relief Society (Women's group) presidency at church
• Two of our women have been in the hospital in the past month
• I'm studying how to have a healthy body image
• I'm studying minimalism and simplicity
• I'm throwing away a lot of things
• Bruce is working a lot (but still comes home to give Silas his bath & stories every night)—he is the very, very best
• I'm 32 years old
• I'm showering every day
• I'm not doing (much) meal planning
• I haven't been to the temple since September 2013
• I'm practicing the piano most days
• Book club is back in full swing (I stopped planning it for a few months). We just read The Great Divorce by C. S. Lewis and will meet to discuss The Prince & the Pauper by Mark Twain this next week
• Silas is sleeping beautifully these days (not perfectly, but beautifully)
• I'm very, very happy

Quote of the Day

Sometimes we may ask God for success, and He gives us physical and mental stamina. We might plead for prosperity, and we receive enlarged perspective and increased patience, or we petition for growth and are blessed with the gift of grace. He may bestow upon us conviction and confidence as we strive to achieve worthy goals. And when we plead for relief from physical, mental, and spiritual difficulties, He may increase our resolve and resilience.

David A. Bednar

Read the full text here.

“I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee” by Thomas Monson

At times there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, no sunrise to end the night’s darkness. We feel encompassed by the disappointment of shattered dreams and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea, “Is there no balm in Gilead?”¹ We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We become impatient for a solution to our problems, forgetting that frequently the heavenly virtue of patience is required.

The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter, or shall I finish? Some do falter as they find themselves unable to rise above their challenges. To finish involves enduring to the very end of life itself.

Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome.

The history of the Church is replete with the experiences of those who have struggled and yet who have remained steadfast and of good cheer. The reason? They have made the gospel of Jesus Christ the center of their lives. This is what will pull us through whatever comes our way. We will still experience difficult challenges, but we will be able to face them, to meet them head-on, and to emerge victorious.

From the bed of pain, from the pillow wet with tears, we are lifted heavenward by that divine assurance and precious promise: “I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”⁷ Such comfort is priceless.

Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.

This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. The poet expressed much the same thought in these words:

Good timber does not grow with ease,The stronger wind, the stronger trees.The further sky, the greater length.The more the storm, the more the strength.By sun and cold, by rain and snow,In trees and men good timbers grow.⁸

Only the Master knows the depths of our trials, our pain, and our suffering. He alone offers us eternal peace in times of adversity. He alone touches our tortured souls with His comforting words:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”⁹

Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, He is with us. He has promised that this will never change.

(Read the full text here.)

Observations of a new mother

I didn't want to post such hum-drum on Silas's dedicated blog, but I did want to note some of the things I have observed in the last month as a new mother:

• if you get a c-section, the following will help you recover quicker:
• walk a lot (easy if you have a baby in the NICU)
• drink lots of fluids
• drink lots of prune juice - LOTS
• make sure they are giving you stool softener
• sleep as much as you can (not easy if you have a baby in the NICU)
• breastfeeding, pumping, and bottle-feeding
• breastfeeding really can be challenging
• spend as much time with lactation consultants as you can
• it's all about hand expressing in the first few days
• make sure you're using the right size flanges if you are pumping. This makes a HUGE difference
• Dr. Brown's bottles are great: less gas
• if bottle feeding, get an occupational therapist to help - side lying position rocks
• cloth diaper burp cloths: so awesome and my very favorite
• MVPs of the layette include:
• side snap shirts with mitten cuffs
• gowns with mitten cuffs
• sleep sacks. Especially this one

What I'm surprised I haven't used:

• onesies
• sleepers
• hats
• swaddlers

As many of you know, our baby Silas was born on Wednesday last week and is in the NICU at Lucile Packard right now.

We have created a blog where we will be posting pictures & updates for those who want to follow:
http://silasraymond.tumblr.com/ 

I am recovering well from my c-section and have been home since Saturday night. Silas is doing great and we expect to have him home relatively soon. Many thanks to all who have been remembering Silas in their prayers!

love
Karren